Saturday, 6 April 2013

Is anyone jumping at all?

What is the single most retarded piece of shit currently doing the rounds on Indian television? The question barely leaves the lips, and pat comes the obvious and unanimous reply: ‘Dil jumping jhapak jhampak jhampak, thumping thapak thampak thampak , gili gili yeah’. No, seriously. Farhan Khan (and of late her brother too) have made it a habit of theirs to openly insult our intelligence.

The promotional videos that are a part of this year’s IPL feature Farah Khan in a series of TV ads barging into unknown households and offices with her band of acolytes, followed by full-blown harassment of the occupants. The one featuring the small family of three is particularly pitiable.

She storms into their house, brandishes a cudgel, and scolds them for being just a mute spectator (‘sirf dekhneka nai’ she says) and forces them to dance to a tune that is as retarded as it gets. Really, it is so annoying that even Justice Katju might not approve of it, leave alone pardon her.

The fatso child dances like an excited prick as if he were exempted from punishment for failing in his class, the father dances like a schizophrenic madman who is constipated, and is holding back a fart or two, being made to dance in the meantime.

Human Rights Commission should take due cognizance of this matter. There are laws that govern use of animals in the visual media. Surely the must be having something to protect deranged runaways. The mother dances in her nightdress, glad at all the attention she is receiving. Really, who does that?

Hussain Kuwajerwala, the quintessential ‘Harpic’ boy stands to gain from such crassness. Imagine the two ads back to back. Farah gate-crashes into your house, does shit and leaves. Hussain follows up with his magic formula, cleaning up the mess and leaving a sparkling commode.

Other clips are equally retarded. A scantily clad chick teaches the moves to be performed in case of a boundary. They should have added the caption “not to be tried at home”. My mom would crack open my skull if I did anything even close to that tribal stuff. Another video shows her instructing the steps to a nincompoop who repeats the moves in slow-mo.

And the cricket experts are not far behind. The promotional video for the official pre- and post-match talk shows feature those learned men dancing to that tune without inhibition, even when it makes them look like wild monkeys or drunk baratis unable to keep their composure intact, their bodies getting contorted. The hosts do a slightly better job, and manage to look normal except for Karishma Kotak, who makes Katrina Kaif look like a ballerina. Her ticket to fame was Bigg Boss, where she carved a niche out for herself as probably the dumbest person who ever participated in the show. She had problems remembering the franchise names in the opening ceremony. Girl will go really far.

One would have thought that after blockbusters like OSO, Tees Maar Khan et al, Farah will have a difficult job in trying to outdo her own self. Well, she has done exactly that. Pissing off Indians in less than one minute!


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